Monday, 23 March 2009

The Feeling of Doing Something You Have Done Before

Wrapped comfortably in my Arazu's golden skin, I drifted in space, feeling lost and wondering why this suddenly felt so familiar. Not the hanging about cloaked keeping tabs on the potential targets in the system -- I've been doing that for ages, since before I could fly covert-ops ships. But the feeling of stagnation, of not going anywhere... that, I found unpleasantly familiar.

It hit me with all the subtlety and cosideration of a breeze-block in the face: I'd been here before. I'd been here with Atrocitas, with Tygris, with UnSec. Feeling trapped, going nowhere... that, plus the reconnaisance work always had come right before I realised it was time to leave. It was a predictable cycle, one I was coming to recognise too well. I'd stopped caring so much about what the others did, stopped even caring if I insulted them; I wondered if I'd get pulled up regarding what I'd said the night before and realised I didn't care about that, either. This had ceased to be fun a while ago.

'This' being our time spent in Evati flying with the Bastards. They are briliant guys and amazing pilots, there are members I care deeply about, members I like, but the group dynamic has undergone a massive shift somewhere in the last few months, and it is no longer a group I feel at home with.

I have neve felt any desire to leave the Hellcats, and that was what kept me here, I realised. I was proud to call myself a member. It wasn't even as if they were holding me back; Mynx had no problems with members doing their own things elsewhere. My base out in Molden Heath was still there, barely used because I spent so much time back in Evati still. Maybe it was time I made a more long-term jump.

I don't think Flashfresh understood why I'd hugged him good night as he left for the evening; he just kissed me back and said, 'See you later'. But somehow, it felt more final.

13 comments:

Manasi said...

awww :( I certainly hope things go better than where this post seems to be heading. best wishes as always.

X1376 said...

*sends a totally insignificant small hug that is however still a hug*

Mynxee said...

From my perspective--having flown regularly with the new Bastards--they are an excellent group of pilots...knowledgeable, competent, focused. But group dynamics are different for everyone. I suspect something more fundamental and personal is going on here, although I (and I suspect YOU) cannot be quite sure what it is. Might be time to consider taking a break from the game altogether for a couple of weeks or a month and see if it helps. Not that I want you to do that, but sometimes the only way to gain perspective on matters that seem undefinable is to step away and gain a more detached point of view.

Love ya, girl, no matter what you decide. Your place in Hellcats is secure. :)

cain jacobi said...

i hope things improve for you. i agree with mynxee that maybe taking a break will allow you to gain perspective on things. i wish you success in all your endeavors.

Hallan Turrek said...

Kill something, and free your mind. ;)

Tony "EVE's Weekend Warrior" said...

Awh, join Ombey on the beach for a week and we will be sure to hear from you again, just like Spectre, and everyone who had "put EVE aside" :)

Shae Tiann said...

@Manasi, Mynxee, X, Cain - Sometimes a little change is all that's needed.

Bless you, Hallan ^_^ I owe a particular antipirate for one of my hulls; time to see about returning the favour...

@Tony - If he'd not escaped the network, it'd be easier to find Ombey ;) Though I think I'd have a certain Khanid pilot to deal with, then....

Persephone Astrid said...

If you're not comfortable with the Bastards, then fly with me some time. Despite being in the same corp, I don't think we've fought together once, nor have I heard your voice on Vent.

Femaref said...

heh, you know where to find us :)

Mynxee said...

Don't worry, Persephone...we're gonna go en masse up to MH on our Even Sunday roams to tickle Shae until she begs for mercy and X's up.

Persephone Astrid said...

@Mynxee - I wish I shared your optimism.

Kane Rizzel said...

Group dynamics in EVE shift and change, it's the nature of the beast.

I've had my ups and downs with corps I've been in and corps I've flown along side but find that doing my own thing has been the most rewarding experience. Stepping back and gaining perspective is sometimes needed.

I sometimes feel very lonely as a solo Pirate but am often reminded just why it is I chose this path, the excitement, the danger and the shiny explosions.

The Bastards are a good bunch but I am very far removed from the times we flew together so have no insight into how things might have changed.

Take a step back, take a break, do whatever is needed to find that spark of excitement again.

You can always come and shoot at me if that's what's needed.

Shae Tiann said...

@Kane - I'd rather shoot with you, if you'd have me, because it'd feel damn weird shooting at you. Plus, I'd die :p

Post a Comment